Star Trek Faint

In the early 90s, my friend Mark fell off his parents' roof while recording their family reunion. He was in a coma for months. That's a whole story by itself, but for today, I'm just going to capture one small part of it.

Mark's brother Pete had a girlfriend named Amy. She seemed like a simpering Guy's Girl to me, but I'll admit I didn't know her well when this happened. 

What I do know is that, as Mark lay in a coma, expected to die or never recover fully, Amy suddenly felt it was appropriate to tell everyone that she was "madly in love" with him - her boyfriend's identical twin. 

As she exited the hospital room after having seen Mark she ran gently but dramatically to a wall, flung her hands up it, turned and very slowly sank gracefully to the floor in a full-on Star Trek faint. (In Star Trek, the actors would always spin slowly and sink to the ground gently when stunned.)

Maggie was right behind her and saw it all.

She kept walking and stepped STRAIGHT OVER that bitch's head and continued on as if nothing had happened as the men rushed over to minister to her. Like she wasn't even THERE. 

The beauty of it was that if Amy had truly fainted, she wouldn't know what Maggie had done. So, she couldn't call her out for it, or she'd have to admit she wasn't really gone. 

We reenacted that faint a hundred times: When faced with even the smallest possible problem, one of my friends or I would run gently to the wall, drape arms, sink down, and the others present would step over uncaringly. 

It was awesome. 

Cost Plus Christmas: Stockings with Teresa (Two Times!) and the BEST CUP

A homophobe tried to run me over with his shopping cart at Cost Plus last Christmas. 

Okay, he just pretended to. Not the same thing, but still pretty hilarious.

I needed to go to Cost Plus (okay, it's now World Market) for stocking items, so of course I enlisted the help of my sister Teresa. We have a history there. For you to appreciate this story, I'll have to tell you about an earlier time.

Cost Plus Elvis (2010?-ish)

Years ago, we were in the tchotchke aisle (ha-ha, PSYCH, they're ALL tchotchkes aisles, even the ones with food) and Christmas music was playing. As Elvis sang "Blue Christmas," I burst out, "I HATE this song, but mostly because of the background music. If that wasn't there, it wouldn't suck so much." I mimicked the backup vocals, "Woo-ooh-OOH-oohyooh! Woo-ooh-OOH-oohyooh!" Teresa, of course, joined in, and we swayed back and forth rhythmically - not on the backbeat, on every beat, like idiots. 

A woman burst into our aisle and practically yelled, "OH MY GOD, my sister and I HATE that part!" and she started singing it, too. We said, "WE'RE sisters!" More "singing" and "dancing" took place.

So, you can see the experience was profound and our subsequent devotion to Cost Plus Christmas is entirely warranted. 

Last Year and the BEST CUP

So, last Christmas, we were getting stocking items. I needed to buy related items for 6 grown up "kids" (my twins, Teresa's son, some friends). I had no plan (I never have a plan for this) and I had no stockings, so I picked up a cup and said, "Should I use cups to put some things in?" This was a stupid idea, ruled out immediately, but then I said, "It's kind of a cool cup." (cup goes in the cart) "Too expensive though." (cup is taken back out). Teresa and I agreed it was cool, and I should "give it a ride," which means take it around the store in the cart for a bit before I decide to put it back. I do this regularly. This has saved me thousands of dollars over the years.

We got sidetracked (looking for maple sugar leaf candy) and I was telling Teresa a story animatedly, and I might have said moron, but I definitely said "homophobe" in a voice that must have carried because this guy heard me. I saw his head snap up and he made eye contact with crazy eyes. It should be emphasized that I wasn't calling anyone a homophobe, I was conversing and used the word. Anyway, he suddenly ran right at me, pushing his cart ahead of him, and swerved at the very last minute.

This surprised me, but didn't frighten me. I was delighted. I burst out laughing and said, "He tried to KILL me! Did you see that?"  

Everyone around us burst into laughter and there's no way that guy didn't hear it. 

Teresa enthused, "Thank God you're okay. You were almost MURDERED."

This encountered infused us both with renewed energy and enthusiasm for the task at hand and we quickly amassed a ridiculous amount of dumb, cool, unexepected items to include in "stockings," which I now decided would just be gift bags. 

I cheerfully unloaded the items and only noticed the cup after it had been rung up. I just couldn't make that poor clerk do a void for something as dumb as giving the cup a ride. Teresa and I deemed it fate and I kept the cup for myself. 

And I love it so much, I bought two back-up cups, for Teresa and for my brother Andy. We drink from them when we have Sibling Saturday. 

Hey, homophobe, thanks for the cup.