Star Trek Faint

In the early 90s, my friend Mark fell off his parents' roof while recording their family reunion. He was in a coma for months. That's a whole story by itself, but for today, I'm just going to capture one small part of it.

Mark's brother Pete had a girlfriend named Amy. She seemed like a simpering Guy's Girl to me, but I'll admit I didn't know her well when this happened. 

What I do know is that, as Mark lay in a coma, expected to die or never recover fully, Amy suddenly felt it was appropriate to tell everyone that she was "madly in love" with him - her boyfriend's identical twin. 

As she exited the hospital room after having seen Mark she ran gently but dramatically to a wall, flung her hands up it, turned and very slowly sank gracefully to the floor in a full-on Star Trek faint. (In Star Trek, the actors would always spin slowly and sink to the ground gently when stunned.)

Maggie was right behind her and saw it all.

She kept walking and stepped STRAIGHT OVER that bitch's head and continued on as if nothing had happened as the men rushed over to minister to her. Like she wasn't even THERE. 

The beauty of it was that if Amy had truly fainted, she wouldn't know what Maggie had done. So, she couldn't call her out for it, or she'd have to admit she wasn't really gone. 

We reenacted that faint a hundred times: When faced with even the smallest possible problem, one of my friends or I would run gently to the wall, drape arms, sink down, and the others present would step over uncaringly. 

It was awesome. 

Cost Plus Christmas: Stockings with Teresa (Two Times!) and the BEST CUP

A homophobe tried to run me over with his shopping cart at Cost Plus last Christmas. 

Okay, he just pretended to. Not the same thing, but still pretty hilarious.

I needed to go to Cost Plus (okay, it's now World Market) for stocking items, so of course I enlisted the help of my sister Teresa. We have a history there. For you to appreciate this story, I'll have to tell you about an earlier time.

Cost Plus Elvis (2010?-ish)

Years ago, we were in the tchotchke aisle (ha-ha, PSYCH, they're ALL tchotchkes aisles, even the ones with food) and Christmas music was playing. As Elvis sang "Blue Christmas," I burst out, "I HATE this song, but mostly because of the background music. If that wasn't there, it wouldn't suck so much." I mimicked the backup vocals, "Woo-ooh-OOH-oohyooh! Woo-ooh-OOH-oohyooh!" Teresa, of course, joined in, and we swayed back and forth rhythmically - not on the backbeat, on every beat, like idiots. 

A woman burst into our aisle and practically yelled, "OH MY GOD, my sister and I HATE that part!" and she started singing it, too. We said, "WE'RE sisters!" More "singing" and "dancing" took place.

So, you can see the experience was profound and our subsequent devotion to Cost Plus Christmas is entirely warranted. 

Last Year and the BEST CUP

So, last Christmas, we were getting stocking items. I needed to buy related items for 6 grown up "kids" (my twins, Teresa's son, some friends). I had no plan (I never have a plan for this) and I had no stockings, so I picked up a cup and said, "Should I use cups to put some things in?" This was a stupid idea, ruled out immediately, but then I said, "It's kind of a cool cup." (cup goes in the cart) "Too expensive though." (cup is taken back out). Teresa and I agreed it was cool, and I should "give it a ride," which means take it around the store in the cart for a bit before I decide to put it back. I do this regularly. This has saved me thousands of dollars over the years.

We got sidetracked (looking for maple sugar leaf candy) and I was telling Teresa a story animatedly, and I might have said moron, but I definitely said "homophobe" in a voice that must have carried because this guy heard me. I saw his head snap up and he made eye contact with crazy eyes. It should be emphasized that I wasn't calling anyone a homophobe, I was conversing and used the word. Anyway, he suddenly ran right at me, pushing his cart ahead of him, and swerved at the very last minute.

This surprised me, but didn't frighten me. I was delighted. I burst out laughing and said, "He tried to KILL me! Did you see that?"  

Everyone around us burst into laughter and there's no way that guy didn't hear it. 

Teresa enthused, "Thank God you're okay. You were almost MURDERED."

This encountered infused us both with renewed energy and enthusiasm for the task at hand and we quickly amassed a ridiculous amount of dumb, cool, unexepected items to include in "stockings," which I now decided would just be gift bags. 

I cheerfully unloaded the items and only noticed the cup after it had been rung up. I just couldn't make that poor clerk do a void for something as dumb as giving the cup a ride. Teresa and I deemed it fate and I kept the cup for myself. 

And I love it so much, I bought two back-up cups, for Teresa and for my brother Andy. We drink from them when we have Sibling Saturday. 

Hey, homophobe, thanks for the cup.

Two Trips in Hollywood with a Cool Cab Driver

When I was living in Los Angeles in 1984, I hopped in a cab to get home, and let the driver know I was short on cash. I asked him to stop the car when we got to to $7. We hit the mark at Beverly and Genesee, which was only about a half mile from my apartment. The driver pulled over and I handed him $9. He said, "Wait, this is $9. You told me to stop at $7." I said, "Well, yeah. Tip money." He laughed and said, "Get in." He took me the rest of the way home for no charge. 

A couple weeks later, my friends and I were near Sunset and Vine sitting on the back of a bus bench. We'd made the choice between bus fare and cigarettes, so the bus bench was purely for rest before our 2.5 mile walk home. A cab pulled up and honked. 

"Need a ride?" the same cab driver asked.

"We don't have any money," I said.

"What's new?" he said, "Get in."

What I Wrote That Time I Couldn't

I had an interview in Sacramento at 2pm the day after Ronnie died. 

We were with Ronnie in Medford, Oregon, until just before he died in the early morning hours. We got up early and drove straight back to Sacramento the next morning. When we got home, I showered, put on some makeup, and went immediately to my interview, running on maybe three hours of sleep. A woman showed me to an interview room and gave me a laptop computer with a writing prompt and explained that I had 30 minutes to write an essay.

This was the prompt:

"Most people have a favorite teacher or professor. Who was that individual for you? What was it about this person that was particularly helpful to you, and what did he/she do to make that class memorable?"

I sat for several minutes without typing. I thought about helpful teachers over the years, or memorable ones. At least two history professors, a drama teacher...I couldn't think of anything that made sense to write. I was too tired and overwhelmed. I considered walking out and and asking them to reschedule my interview. I knew that I could explain I had lost a dear friend only a few hours ago and one state away. 

But then I thought - they're not asking which teacher I liked. They're asking me what it takes to deliver an effective training. So, I flipped my perspective and with only about 10 minutes left, I started to write and I kept writing straight through until my time was up. With this essay, I got the job - a job I loved for 9 years. It's  not the best thing I ever wrote, but I'm proud of it. 

Here's the essay I wrote in a few minutes:

We learn new things every day, but occasionally, if you’re particularly lucky, you may learn something that makes a difference in your life and in the lives of others. In 2014, I became certified in Mental Health First Aid, a program which trains lay people to help connect people experiencing mental health crises to services. My instructor, Gina, gave me with that rare opportunity, providing me with important and helpful information through personable and engaging instruction. While her training appeared effortless, it was the result of careful and considered choices to create collaborative, engaging and relevant instruction.

Gina included the trainees in decisions and processes from the very start. She opened the 5-day course with an invitation to share in creating comfort rules for our group interactions. In the process of creating the list, we were able to form what we expected of the training, and to set our goals for course. This helped to establish trust within the group as we made decisions how to best use our time. She also described what we were going to learn, giving a high-level outline of the content, and why this information was so vital. She gave us the shape of the instruction by outlining how we would access the content as well, describing the interplay of direct and experiential learning.

Early on, we had robust discussions about our existing knowledge of behavioral health issues. This was an important step, as in the process we were able to confront stigma and myths in a way that allowed everyone to feel safe to share their own thoughts. We were also given a great deal of intricate content. She helped us process this information and was personable and encouraging, and her self-deprecating humor helped everyone feel confident to share.

The exercises were tailored to reflect and extend recent learning, and they all connected in some way to the personal experience, and therefore the strengths, of each person in the room. Everyone was at some point brought to the forefront and given a chance to shine. The confidence from this approach was essential; to give Mental Health First Aid, the Aider must be able to quickly and confidently access information. In one exercise, we were able to role-play helping someone with an anxiety attack, and the experience stayed with me.

Gina exemplified for me the traits of an excellent instructor; she considered the feelings of her students and found ways to bring their own experience and strengths to the course. Her adept understanding of these principles made this course enjoyable as well as effective.

 

It's Impossible!

My friend Kordt used to work at a restaurant on Rodeo Drive. The manager - let's say he was named Fabien - was an ebullient guy with a thick French accent. One of the servers (let's call her Telsie), was petite, beautiful, and very self-assured.

Once, as Fabien was ushering a couple into Telsie's section, she said, "Oh, no. No, no. Fabien, I told you I would never wait on them again."

Fabien's response: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Telsie," and to the couple, "Please follow me." The woman protested, "What?" and Fabien shrugged, put his hands up, "It's impossible! This way please."

Telsie worked two jobs, the restaurant during the day and the Playboy Club at night. We went to visit her - I guess she got us in; I don't remember. We were impressed by her nighttime look, "Oh, my God, Telsie, you've got boobs!"

She said, "Oh, yeah, you basically just drag every single bit of your body up into this iron cage (she gestured at her bodice) and set all of that on a shelf of padding. All of this," (she poked the bottom of her boob) "is just stuffing. Half of this," (she poked the top of her boob, the part that showed) came from my thigh." We were all pleased by this important intel. Then she said, "Oh. I have to go deal with those dickheads," and she walked off smiling from ear to ear to a tableful of business men who looked very much like dickheads.

Telsie was buying a second house by the time I left LA.

This is the restaurant.

Someday I'll write about the night I worked there.

what i dreamed and wrote down

we became

and then we were

we made more

and learned to stay

we made sounds

and we threw colors

we moved things

and gave them names

and through it all

with every dawn

we reached out 

'til we were gone

It'll Get Better

From January 8, 2014 I was sitting in my car after parking at Kaiser, crying my eyes out from pain and nausea before going in to get an x-ray.

A nice gentleman saw me, motioned for me to roll down my window and said, "It'll get better. It doesn't seem like it, but it will."

I said, "I know! I have a kidney stone!"

The gentle smile fell from his face and he said, "Oh SHIT! That's what I've got! THIS is what I have to look forward to?" and we both laughed our heads off.